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The thin line between love and hate
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Old 12-30-2011, 12:48 AM   #1
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Privacy Problems

R.S. help me out.

I've been going out with my girlfriend for two years and lately we've been having issues. I have my own apartment and my girlfriend doesn't live with me but spends most of her time her after work and during the weekends. I had the apartment before I met her and have yet to give her keys. (don't think it's necessary) I have another set of keys and they belong to a close friend who I've known since elementary. She has asked for a key but I usually just brush it off and tell her I have the only key available. The reason for me not giving her a key is because my previous girlfriends would abuse my generosity and never leave. Honestly, they would stay for days, putting their own clothes in my closet and drawers, bring their shampoo and conditioners and everything. It was always awkward asking them to leave but eventually they got the picture. My present girlfriend would stay over but her parents were extremely protective so she would usually have to go home.

Fast foward to present time, I was out with some friends and we all got plastered and ended up coming back to my apartment and crashed. My girlfriend shows up in the morning and gets pissed because there's "other women" in my apartment. (They changed into my shorts and t-shirts because they were more comfortable so my girlfriend got really pissed at that) We step outside to avoid confrontation with everyone else and I explain to her we all had too much to drink and couldn't drive. (should of used RS Operation Red Nose jokin but taxied!) She doesn't listen and starts making accusations like i'm cheating on her with sluts blah blah.. and just walks off. I was still pretty hung over so I just stood there, as she's walking away I'm turn around to open the door. She yells "You're not even going to stop me from leaving?" I just ignore her and close the door. She starts to blow up my phone but I just put it on silent and go back to sleep.

Eventually she calms down and calls me in the afternoon. We go out for dinner and everything seems to be fine. She comes over after and we just watch tv. My phone rings and it's on the kitchen counter, as I get up to get it she hops off the couch and runs for it. She looks at the caller display and hands the phone to me. I'm thinking whatever and take the call in my bedroom to avoid disturbing her watching tv. I'm in the bedroom and she follows me and just lays down on the bed listening. I'm getting annoyed so just tell my friend I'll call her back later. My girlfriend starts asking "who's that? what did she want? why is she calling you?" I tell her it's nothing and go back to the living space. I can tell she's angry because she chooses to sit on the separate love seat. It's getting late and she tells me she wants to sleep over so I agree.

It's about 1 AM and my friend texts me (because I didn't call her back) so I just read it and don't reply. I think my girlfriends asleep so I step out to grab some water. As I come back I see her snooping on my phone. She puts it back on the bedside but it's obvious I caught her. To avoid fighting at this hour (plus I had work tomorrow) I just pretend I saw nothing and go back to sleep.

The next morning everything is fine, we had breakfast and go to work. I call my friend back and it turns off she forgot her bracelet at my place and wanted to come pick it up. She had my apartment key so I told her it's fine. Fast forward later in the day I pick up my girlfriend and we did some grocery shopping just before we head back. We get back to the apartment, I unlock the door and my friend is over, turns out she's cooking to thank me for taking care of her and letting her stay over that night we went drinking. My girlfriend's faced turns all red and she is pissed, I tell my friend it's better off if she just left so awkwardly she leaves.

"I THOUGHT YOU SAID NO ONE ELSE HAD A KEY TO YOUR APARTMENT." my girlfriend yells. I told her I gave her a key along time ago for situations if I lose mine. She then accuses me of cheating on her with my friend on night my girlfriend doesn't sleep over. She grabs the pan with the food my friend was cooking and flip it onto my hardwood floor. Sauces and shit everywhere, I just tell her to leave.

I'm not going to be sink to her level so I start cleaning up. (plus I don't want my floor ruined) She grabs my whole set of keys (car,home,mail etc) and just leaves the apartment. I didn't know at the time until she calls me over the phone. She tells me she has my keys and I won't get them back unless I apologize for giving my friend a set of keys and not her. I tell her to stop being a child and that I've known her since elementary. (I have my friend's apartment key as well) I told my girlfriend I need those keys now and that it was a dumb idea for her to take them.

My girlfriend comes back and returns the keys, I'm pissed and tired so I just close the door on her. She stands there for a bit (see her through the peep hole) and leaves. I check my keys and it seems like there's nothing missing. She's calling me phone but I wasn't in the mood to talk to her so I just turned off my phone.

What I'm scared of is her cutting a duplicate of my key without me knowing so I'm going to change my locks in the next few days. I'm scared of her potentially coming into my apartment and destroying my belongings.

If anyone of you actually read all that and have advice, I really appreciate it. Sorry for any grammar issues, it's late and I typed it all without going back to check.

R.S. what would you do?

am i wrong for not giving her a key
are her actions justified?
did i do anything wrong?

to add ;

she constantly checks my phone
if she's not with me she's calling me
gets pissed when other people are over

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Last edited by NLY; 12-30-2011 at 01:49 AM.
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Old 12-30-2011, 01:05 AM   #2
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Dump her.. shes so immature and can't handle the fact that someone you've known for most of your life has keys and she doesn't. Its like giving your parents a key to your place before your girlfriend. If she can't respect your privacy and would sink so low, enough so that you have to change your locks due to trust, I think it's about time you've moved on.

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Old 12-30-2011, 01:10 AM   #3
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+1 Dump her.

There's no point being in a relationship where either of you can't trust each other.

OP: Just wondering. Has your GF ever met your elementary friend?

I can't really blame your GF though..if I was in her position, found out that you had a girl over in YOUR clothes and later found out YOU gave a girl the extra set of keys when you said you didn't have an extra set, I can sorta see how she's going berserk.

But in your case, did you let your GF know you got wasted and let a few friends spend the night? It would be your fault if you didn't and ignoring her, shutting the door on her, ignoring her phone calls didn't help either.
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Old 12-30-2011, 01:19 AM   #4
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+2 leave her.

She sounds really clingy and you cant have your own privacy
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Old 12-30-2011, 01:22 AM   #5
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+3 I would dump her

as Jeedee mentioned above...

But does she know how she feel to trust her elementary friends if she has some? Imo you guys had on and off stuff going on in your relationship.
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Old 12-30-2011, 01:25 AM   #6
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Dump her.. shes so immature and can't handle the fact that someone you've known for most of your life has keys and she doesn't. Its like giving your parents a key to your place before your girlfriend. If she can't respect your privacy and would sink so low, enough so that you have to change your locks due to trust, I think it's about time you've moved on.

Sidenote: feel free to use Red Nose
Thanks for the advice bro, she wasn't always like this in terms of jealousy. She used to ask for a key and I would just brush it off but now she's definitely more persistent. I told her my parents don't even have a key, why should she? I'm definitely going to change my locks as a precaution.

I thought about Operation Red Nose but there were four of us and I really thought they were going to throw up. No revscene member should ever have to deal with that.

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+1 Dump her.

There's no point being in a relationship where either of you can't trust each other.

OP: Just wondering. Has your GF ever met your elementary friend?

I can't really blame your GF though..if I was in her position, found out that you had a girl over in YOUR clothes and later found out YOU gave a girl the extra set of keys when you said you didn't have an extra set, I can sorta see how she's going berserk.

But in your case, did you let your GF know you got wasted and let a few friends spend the night? It would be your fault if you didn't and ignoring her, shutting the door on her, ignoring her phone calls didn't help either.
Yeah I agree, I trust her and I know she has her body of guy friends. I'm secure enough to not get jealous because if your girlfriend is even mildly attractive, there will be other guys and I understand that.

She's met my friend before but you know how some girls are so fake with each other. They'll get along in person but after it's complicated.

That's why I'm trying to get another perspective, from my point of view she just a long time friend who borrowed my clothes and has my keys. In her perspective, it's a girl who is wearing her boyfriends clothes and has something she doesn't

I didn't tell her people were staying over that night so I can understand her being upset.
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Old 12-30-2011, 01:29 AM   #7
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+2 leave her.

She sounds really clingy and you cant have your own privacy
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I know if she did have a set of my keys she would be over 24/7

Plus sometimes I just like to be home alone, drink some beer and watch the game.

I hate playing call of duty when she's over, she's always tell me to calm down and not shout when im playing.
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Old 12-30-2011, 01:31 AM   #8
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+3 I would dump her

as Jeedee mentioned above...

But does she know how she feel to trust her elementary friends if she has some? Imo you guys had on and off stuff going on in your relationship.
Yeah she's got tons of guys friends but they are not my concern. They're actually some cool guys and I've had them over a couple times. Our relationship has been on and off but which relationship isn't ?
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Old 12-30-2011, 01:32 AM   #9
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to add: If she's getting jealous of your friend, and you've explained she's ONLY a friend, then it gets complicated.. It's more like trust, jealousy, and communication all mixed into 1 big problem. its gonna take a lot of effort, time, and persistence to fix this. Gonna cause you lots of stress.
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Old 12-30-2011, 01:40 AM   #10
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to add: If she's getting jealous of your friend, and you've explained she's ONLY a friend, then it gets complicated.. It's more like trust, jealousy, and communication all mixed into 1 big problem. its gonna take a lot of effort, time, and persistence to fix this. Gonna cause you lots of stress.
I've told my girlfriend she's just a friend plenty of times. They've actually hung out together in the past without any issues. It's only been lately my girlfriend has been some defensive and making accusations.
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Old 12-30-2011, 01:47 AM   #11
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R.S. help me out.

I'm in the bedroom and she follows me and just lays down on the bed listening. I'm getting annoyed so just tell my friend I'll call her back later. My girlfriend starts asking "who's that? what did she want? why is she calling you?"

As I come back I see her snooping on my phone. She puts it back on the bedside but it's obvious I caught her.


R.S. what would you do?


she constantly checks my phone
if she's not with me she's calling me
gets pissed when other people are over

Can't stand girls do that kind of shit

I'd give her that one chance to explain wtf is going on... as you said its only recently started.... make her level with you and be honest bout everything... if she refuses or nothing changes, dump away.
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Old 12-30-2011, 01:49 AM   #12
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I think this is usually a sign of what's to come in the future. As much as you try to forgive and forget, in the back of your mind, you will still remember her actions. By no means am I saying this is a lost cause, but this may escalate in the future and ruin the relationship.
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Old 12-30-2011, 08:39 AM   #13
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I think you handled it very well. Calmly and rationally.

I do see her side of the situation though but she got a little psycho about it. Just sit her down and explain the situation clearly and if she doesn't understand, leave her.

And to be fair, you did have 2 other people stay over at your place. It's not like it was just you and your friend, that would be very suspicious lol.

To answer your questions:
am i wrong for not giving her a key no
are her actions justified? to a degree, but she should have given you a chance to explain
did i do anything wrong? you should have told her beforehand that girls (not just one!) were staying over at your place

to add ;

she constantly checks my phone
if she's not with me she's calling me
gets pissed when other people are over

These are all signs of psycho-clingyness

Last edited by JKam; 12-30-2011 at 08:46 AM.
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Old 12-30-2011, 09:40 AM   #14
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And you are done.

As soon as you need to worry about her copying the key, you are toast.

And you know it. Temper tantrums are not allowed from girlfriends anymore than they are from 5 year olds.
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Old 12-30-2011, 09:46 AM   #15
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Props to you for handling it the way you did. Like everyone else said, you should seriously consider dumping her. She sounds like a nutcase and a half.

You're not a dog on a leash, you're a human being with a brain of your own and know the difference between right and wrong. I can tell you the way she's acting is WRONG
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Old 12-30-2011, 10:22 AM   #16
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Well... look at it from your gf's point of view for a minute.

You lied to her about not having another key, and she catches another woman that has the nonexistent key to your apartment. I'd be a lot choked. Thats the only part I'd sympathize with her. Everything else like accusing you of cheating with sluts, going through your phone etc etc... big nono.

As for you, here you are changing locks, closing the door on her, turning off your phone.. maybe its time to break it off, especially since changing locks speaks loudly about the level of trust you have in her.
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Old 12-30-2011, 10:47 AM   #17
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get one of these and keep the master key for yourself?

Schlage | Keypad Lock, Camelot/Accent Lever, Antique Brass | Home Depot Canada

all you need is the code which can be changed if necessary. saves the hassle of changing locks. and you can tell future gf's no one else has the key (but not necessarily the code)
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Old 12-30-2011, 10:52 AM   #18
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Wow, you have a lot of patience, break it off
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Old 12-30-2011, 11:16 AM   #19
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Depends on how you feel. Ask her Why she doesnt trust you and that it is frustrating you. Also apologize for lying to her about your long time friend having a key and for having girls over without her knowing (Easy to be suspicious on that one). She is just being a Drama queen, as most girls would be after those lies. She has done some dumb shit but you are not in the clear either dude. You guys just need to talk it out, as for taking your keys..... i woulda flipped shit
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Old 12-30-2011, 11:24 AM   #20
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this sounds like your situation

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Old 12-30-2011, 11:30 AM   #21
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Old 12-30-2011, 11:41 AM   #22
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I would tell her to beat it.

An adult is capable of working out problems with a simple conversation; instead, she's created an awkward situation with a friend doing something very nice, dumped food on your floor, stolen your keys, is spying on your phone.

I would never date a girl I can't trust, and I would never date a girl who can't trust me.
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Old 12-30-2011, 11:48 AM   #23
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Can't stand girls do that kind of shit

I'd give her that one chance to explain wtf is going on... as you said its only recently started.... make her level with you and be honest bout everything... if she refuses or nothing changes, dump away.
Yeah man especially when the action isn't mirrored. I never check her phone because I trust(ed) her and also I knew it would just be a catalyst to an argument.

There should be boundaries and every time you checks my phone, I feel like she twisting my arm.

The thing I've learned over the years is people don't change. She can put on a show and act differently just to prove she has but it can only be repressed so long.
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Old 12-30-2011, 11:52 AM   #24
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I think this is usually a sign of what's to come in the future. As much as you try to forgive and forget, in the back of your mind, you will still remember her actions. By no means am I saying this is a lost cause, but this may escalate in the future and ruin the relationship.
I believe that and because problems seem to just accumulate time over time. I'm not a quiter when it comes to relationships but I'm also not an child who needs regulations.
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Old 12-30-2011, 11:58 AM   #25
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I think you handled it very well. Calmly and rationally.

I do see her side of the situation though but she got a little psycho about it. Just sit her down and explain the situation clearly and if she doesn't understand, leave her.

And to be fair, you did have 2 other people stay over at your place. It's not like it was just you and your friend, that would be very suspicious lol.

To answer your questions:
am i wrong for not giving her a key no
are her actions justified? to a degree, but she should have given you a chance to explain
did i do anything wrong? you should have told her beforehand that girls (not just one!) were staying over at your place

to add ;

she constantly checks my phone
if she's not with me she's calling me
gets pissed when other people are over

These are all signs of psycho-clingyness
Thanks bro, i would of thought us being older, we would be able to resist childish antics like vandalizing the apartment and stealing keys. I thought that was left back in highschool so that really made an impression.

it's a two bedroom apartment so it's not like we all shared a bed.

I didn't notify her that night they slept over because I knew she would of got angry (and possibly start a fight then and there)
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