It’s not a piece of cake finding similarities between the wars of 1812 and 2012.
One was started by a declaration of war signed by President James Madison with the thumbs-up from 92 congressmen.
The other with a Facebook page friended by a few thousand Americans intent on applying the Monroe Doctrine to mall parking.
One had a Napoleon in the wings; the other not. The British navy hasn’t dragooned foreign sailors into service for years. And while in the earlier war First Nations played a part, in the latter they were too busy running casinos.
If there is a common theme to be found it’s expansionism. In 1812, Americans wanted to expand into Canada. In 2012, Canadians wanted to buy forklifts of American processed cheese and boxes of Lucky Charms the size of refrigerators so they and their loved ones could expand to roughly the size of Saturn’s moons — for reasons that, unless they involved decades-long hibernation, remain murky.
Costco cashier Penny Phnisner will never forget the incident that led to the onset of war.
“I will never forget the incident that led to the onset of war,” Phnisner says.
“It started out a normal day in Bellingham, a Wednesday, which is a busy day at the Costco because a lot of people shop on Wednesday in order to avoid the weekend crush, and this causes what we call the ‘Wednesday crush’ at the store.
“So I was at my till — I man an express till, 640 items or less — and there was the normal early Wednesday lineup of two, three hundred members with their palettes of hamburger patties and their oil drums of ranch dip and their cargo containers of pudding and Moon Pies and diet soda and whatnot.
“So I hear an altercation and I look up from my cashiering and I see this Canadian customer — I can tell she’s Canadian because she has on a shirt that says ‘I’m Canadian’ and I’d heard her talking to her kids and they’re all named Garth — and this local customer, who I can tell is local because she’s got that Tacoma smell.
“And the American customer is asking the Canadian customer, ‘Don’t you have milk in Canada? Why do you Canadians come down here and buy all our milk?’
“And the Canadian grabbed the first thing she could lay her hands on — which unfortunately was one of the Garths — and just clobbered the Tacoma customer, hollering ‘No warmongering, bigoted, discourteous American is going to tell someone with a workable health care system where I can buy my weekly 400 litres of milk,’ or something to that effect.”
Security guard Ed “Pops” Secondarycharacter continues: “Well, you’d think they’d been planning this for years — the store crowd immediately divided down the middle, with the Americans retreating to aisles 20 (auto parts) through 26 (hearing aids and ammo) while the Canadians barricaded themselves in dairy behind a quickly fabricated wall of cheese wheels. It was like something long simmering had been unleashed — if you can unleash something simmering. I’m not a linguist.
“The skirmishes between those two opposing forces were as deft as anything I saw at Inchon — and this by plus-size combatants, XXXL-ers bounding down aisles barely wider than themselves with the agility of Fantasia hippos swinging back-to-school satchels full of frozen drumettes with murderous zeal, both sides vying to take the food court.”
As word of the Battle of Bellingham got out, the combat quickly spread to other Costcos, to Sam’s Clubs, to Fedcos and strip malls and gas bars from Bellis Fair to Bangor, Pittsburg to Point Roberts, as well as hot spots like Vegas and Honolulu — wherever Americans and Canadians found themselves contending for bargains or buffet, a cache of CDs or calories.
After Canadian consumers made a daring sortie into the District of Columbia and set fire to a White Castle, the UN got involved. Swedish Walmart greeters were deployed as peacekeepers, lineups segregated by nationality, a DMZ established between them, and a cooling-off period decreed.
“Bellingham’s pretty much back to normal now,”Costco’s Penny Phnisner says.
“Oh, the town’s instituted Canuck-free Tuesdays, yeah, but to ameliorate this for our cross-border customers, every Wednesday each Canadian spending more than $100 gets a free block of processed cheese moulded in the life-size likeness of Paul Anka, which means it’s about two-feet tall.
“I just hope in my heart that by learning from this,” Phnisner adds, “our countries discussions over Arctic oil will go all the smoother.”
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