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Vancouver Off-Topic / Current Events The off-topic forum for Vancouver, funnies, non-auto centered discussions, WORK SAFE. While the rules are more relaxed here, there are still rules. Please refer to sticky thread in this forum.

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Old 03-25-2010, 02:17 PM   #226
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After school, a kid walks into a strip club with his backpack but the bouncer stops him saying " Yo kid, you're too young".

The kid then says: " My mom works here"
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Old 03-25-2010, 04:49 PM   #227
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So a bunch of snowboarders are sitting around hanging out.

Someone asks if you could be a mutant what would your super powers be?

Guy next to him answers "I wanna fly, go anywhere I want!"

Somebody pipes up "That's stupid, I would wanna be storm! Get to a mountain and dump snow, Fresh POW all the time!"
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Old 03-25-2010, 09:30 PM   #228
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After school, a kid walks into a strip club with his backpack but the bouncer stops him saying " Yo kid, you're too young".

The kid then says: " Don't worry, my mom works here"
Wat?
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Old 03-26-2010, 08:35 AM   #229
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Originally Posted by garage.adrian View Post
So a bunch of snowboarders are sitting around hanging out.

Someone asks if you could be a mutant what would your super powers be?

Guy next to him answers "I wanna fly, go anywhere I want!"

Somebody pipes up "That's stupid, I would wanna be storm! Get to a mountain and dump snow, Fresh POW all the time!"
lmfao that was so bad i actually chuckled to myself.
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Old 03-26-2010, 09:00 AM   #230
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The Dark Side of Women



A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day by finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the woman doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition. The doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip, didn't you!? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!"

The woman, overcome with guilt, broke down and sobbed.


The woman doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just messing with you. He's dead. Show me what you bought."
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Old 03-26-2010, 09:08 AM   #231
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^LOL terrible


What do you do when you see an amputee being hanged?

Start guessing the right letters.
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Old 03-26-2010, 09:12 AM   #232
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*Racist jokes*
Don't read if you get offended easily.

Why do black people have white palms?
Spoiler!


Why are black people like jelly beans?
Spoiler!


What's the most confusing day in the ghetto?
Spoiler!


What did the black kid get for Christmas?
Spoiler!
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Old 03-26-2010, 09:38 AM   #233
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Why do black people stink?
So blind people can hate them too.
Posted via RS Mobile
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Old 03-26-2010, 10:06 AM   #234
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A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he
stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.
The rabbit looks at her and says, 'Giraffe, my friend, Think about
what you're doing to yourself! Come with me running through the
forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!' The giraffe looks
at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the
rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit
again says, 'Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about
what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the
pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!' The elephant looks
at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and
starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up some
smack. 'Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're
doing to yourself! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you
will feel so good!' The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and
starts to beat the shit out of the little rabbit.

The giraffe and elephant watch in horror, then finally obtain the
presence of mind to pull the lion off the rabbit. 'Lion,' they
reprimand, 'why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us
all!' The lion answers, 'That little f**ker has me running around
the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!'
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Old 03-26-2010, 10:08 AM   #235
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Two guys were picked up by the cops for selling drugs and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said:

You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and persuade them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one:

"How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honour, I persuaded 10 people to give up drugs forever."
"10 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honour. I drew two circles like this: O o and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd guy)

"Well, your honour, I persuaded 50 people to give up drugs forever."
"50 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"
"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'This is your asshole before prison...."
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Old 03-26-2010, 10:09 AM   #236
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sorry about post whoring, but these drug joke are too damn funny




Q: How many stoners does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Four. One to hold the lightbulb and three to smoke until the room starts spinning
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Old 03-26-2010, 10:39 AM   #237
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What did the left vagina lip say to the right vagina lip?


Spoiler!
that shit is awsome lol
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Old 03-26-2010, 10:44 AM   #238
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racial joke



Why is the NBA full of black ppl?





Because it always consists of "stealing, shooting, and running"









What do you say to a black priest???









Holly SHIT!!!!!









What do you say when you see a floating tv at night??








Drop it nigger
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Old 03-27-2010, 02:04 PM   #239
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One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.

She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"

The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."

So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."

Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."

Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.

A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"
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Old 03-27-2010, 08:57 PM   #240
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racial joke


What do you say when you see a floating tv at night??








Drop it nigger
What do you do when you wake up in the middle of the night and see your fridge floating in mid air?







Nothing, that's one big black dude.
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Old 03-27-2010, 09:45 PM   #241
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Why are black people getting bigger and stronger?


Spoiler!
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Old 03-27-2010, 09:50 PM   #242
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^
Not entirley true...TV's are getting bigger but they are way lighter than before.
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Old 03-27-2010, 11:28 PM   #243
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What do you call a muslim standing between 2 large buildings??




Ali
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Old 03-28-2010, 04:47 PM   #244
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The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

' Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?' ; ;


'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
That's when Mrs. Smith fainted
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Old 03-28-2010, 06:10 PM   #245
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Racial jokes here. Do not read if u can't take it.

Azn guy goes to an eye doctor and lays down in the docs chair. the doctor looks at his eyes and tells him hes got bad news, hes got a catarac.

Aznriental guy says no i drive a Rincoln Continentel.




Whats the difference between a black guy and a park bench?

Spoiler!



Whats the fastest thing on earth?

Spoiler!



Whats a jews biggest dilemma?

Spoiler!

Last edited by 98twofourty; 03-28-2010 at 06:26 PM. Reason: changed wording
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Old 03-28-2010, 06:30 PM   #246
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This little girl walks over to her grandmother and asks "Granny, can you show me a magic trick?" "No dear, but I think your grand father knows one." So the little girl walks over to her grandpa and asks "Grandpa, granny says you know some magic tricks, could you show me one?" The grand father looks at her, "Sure, just hop on my lap!" So the little girl jumps on his lap. "Now, can you feel a finger poking up your ass?" asks the grandpa, "Yeah" replies the girl "Well look, no hands!"
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Old 03-28-2010, 10:18 PM   #247
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^
Not entirley true...TV's are getting bigger but they are way lighter than before.
underscore why the hell you fail him, its true lol

When i tried to move my old big ass brick trinitron tv it took 3 guys lol
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Old 03-28-2010, 10:23 PM   #248
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yes I know, but that's not the point of the joke.
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half those dudes are hotter than ,my GF.
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reading this thread is like waiting for goku to charge up a spirit bomb in dragon ball z
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OH thank god. I thought u had sex with my wife. :cry:
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Old 03-28-2010, 10:38 PM   #249
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yes I know, but that's not the point of the joke.
But the joke sucks if the premise of it is logically faulty.
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Old 03-28-2010, 10:41 PM   #250
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it's an old joke. not all jokes are flawless, especially short ones.

besides, if I see my parents 52" floating around in the middle of the night, I'm not gonna say a damn thing, even though it's light compared to a 52" CRT
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half those dudes are hotter than ,my GF.
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reading this thread is like waiting for goku to charge up a spirit bomb in dragon ball z
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OH thank god. I thought u had sex with my wife. :cry:
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