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Vancouver Off-Topic / Current Events The off-topic forum for Vancouver, funnies, non-auto centered discussions, WORK SAFE. While the rules are more relaxed here, there are still rules. Please refer to sticky thread in this forum.

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Old 03-25-2009, 07:34 PM   #101
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why can't ray charles read???

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Old 03-25-2009, 08:37 PM   #102
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Why do niggers stink?

So blind people can hate them too
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Old 03-31-2009, 12:14 PM   #103
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A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

' Do you know how they make these gloves? ' he asked.

' No, I don't, ' she replied.

' Well, ' he spoofed, ' there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size. '

She didn't crack a smile.

' Oh, well. I tried, ' he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.

' What's so funny? ' he asked.

' I was just envisioning how condoms are made! '
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Old 03-31-2009, 12:32 PM   #104
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jinx_fx View Post
George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going
up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the
garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened
the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people
in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and
stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock
your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people
stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them
now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two
Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips'
residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd
shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
LOL I thought this one was pretty good, but can't you get charged with calling in with false information IRL?
If not, might be a good way to get police to respond in vancouver

The ferrari one is good too, I swear I've heard it before though
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Old 03-31-2009, 12:43 PM   #105
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A Mexican, a Jew, and a colored guy go into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says, "Get the fuck out of here."
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Old 03-31-2009, 12:49 PM   #106
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A mexican and a black guy guy are in a car. Who is driving?

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Old 03-31-2009, 10:16 PM   #107
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An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
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Old 04-02-2009, 06:16 PM   #108
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THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING, BUT AREN'T

"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"
"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."
"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."
"Talk about a huge breast!"
"It's Cool Whip time!"
"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"
"Are you ready for seconds yet?"
"Are you going to come again next time?"
"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"
"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"
"Don't play with your meat."
"Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."
"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"
"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"
"You still have a little dribble on your chin."
"Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."
"How long will it take after you stick it in?"
"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."
"Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"
"How many are coming?"
"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"
"Just lay back & take it easy...I'll do the rest."
"How long do I beat it before it's ready?"
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Old 04-07-2009, 06:08 PM   #109
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A woman once said that a man is like a deck of playing cards........ you need:

A Heart to love him,

A Diamond to marry him,

A Club to smash his fucking head in, and

A Spade to bury the bastatrd.
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Old 04-08-2009, 02:43 PM   #110
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A redhead, a burnette, and a blonde are being chase by the police.
The three of them passes by some potato sacks and decide to hide in them.
When the police pass by, he decides to poke the potato sacks.
At first he poked the sac with the burnette in it. The burnette says, "Woof Woof". So the police thought it was a dog inside.
He then poked the next sac with the redhead in it. The redhead says, " Meow Meow". The police thought it was a cat inside.
He then poked the next sac with the blonde in it. The blonde says, "Po-Ta-To".
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Old 04-11-2009, 03:37 PM   #111
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Old Timer Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around
there again and we can do it for old time's
sake?'



'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy,
but good idea!'



A police officer sitting in the next booth heard
their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just
keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.



The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning
on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are
making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.



The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know..



After about half an hour of lying on the ground
recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly
amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret
is.



So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'


Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

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Old 04-11-2009, 07:19 PM   #112
RS.net, where our google ads make absolutely no sense!
 
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not bad i chuckled a lil, but didn't have to be THAT long..
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Old 04-11-2009, 09:01 PM   #113
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Whats the difference between a girls ass and a fridge?

The fridge doesnt scream when you put the meat in.


What do you call a black guy minding his own business?

A nigger.
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Old 04-23-2009, 09:59 AM   #114
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A little boy comes home from school, runs up to his mom and says "guess what!! I had sex with my teacher today!" The mom gets pissed and starts yelling at her son "just wait till your father gets home" So the dad shows up after work and the mom made the son tell him what had happened. After talking to his wife, he tells his son that he's too young to be doing that and not to do it again.
Later on the night the father tells his son to go to the garage with him. The dad sits him down, offers him a beer and tells his son he was proud of him
So when the dad gets to work he starts bragging about how his little boy is having sex with his teacher. The dad gets home and asks his son if he had sex again. The son says "no my ass still hurts from the first time."
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Old 04-23-2009, 11:15 AM   #115
I STILL don't get it
 
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i dont get it?
baby stole the cotton?
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Old 04-30-2009, 04:58 PM   #116
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An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the
confessional, The man said: 'Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'

The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father... She started to
repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'

The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.'

'And what is that?' asked the priest.

'Should I tell her the war is over?''
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Old 04-30-2009, 06:43 PM   #117
OMGWTFBBQ is a common word I say everyday
 
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Originally Posted by cakeTech View Post
Friend told me this.

How does a black lady know she's pregnant?






























When she took out her tampon, all the cotton was gone.



omg i LOLED SO BAD!!!! lol holy crap ahahhhaah that is so funny!!!!
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Old 05-07-2009, 07:38 PM   #118
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After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Señor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.”

The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King of Beers,’ a Budweiser.”

The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it.

The guy from Molson sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.”

The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Molson’s?”

The Molson president replies, “Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I.”
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Old 05-07-2009, 11:58 PM   #119
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A Priest and a Rabbi are walking down the street and see a group of young boys.

The priest says, Lets go fuck them!

and the Rabbi Says, Out of what?
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Old 05-08-2009, 02:13 AM   #120
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definitely lots of good ones.

keep this alive
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Old 05-08-2009, 11:06 AM   #121
I STILL don't get it
 
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Originally Posted by aman23 View Post
Whats the difference between a pizza and a jew?

Spoiler!
Definitely not telling this one at a bar.
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Old 05-08-2009, 05:47 PM   #122
OMGWTFBBQ is a common word I say everyday
 
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What's the first thing ravers say when their Ecstasy wears off?

Fuck this music sucks.

Last edited by punkwax; 05-08-2009 at 05:55 PM.
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Old 05-08-2009, 06:53 PM   #123
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what do you call 10 Black people in a shed?





















Farming Equipment!
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Old 06-24-2009, 10:38 AM   #124
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A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley:


On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!


Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.


A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.


The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.


The moral of the story?? (yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)->



'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!
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Old 06-24-2009, 11:43 AM   #125
Salad makes me squirt ranch dressing. Only half of that is an analogy.
 
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weak sauce
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