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Vancouver Off-Topic / Current Events The off-topic forum for Vancouver, funnies, non-auto centered discussions, WORK SAFE. While the rules are more relaxed here, there are still rules. Please refer to sticky thread in this forum.

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Old 05-27-2011, 02:31 AM   #551
RS has made me the bitter person i am today!
 
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Whats the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?

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Originally Posted by !Aznboi128 View Post
me: can I tap that
her: why are all guys asking the same f**king question?
me: i uno.... so can I tap that
her: stfu you got a gf
me: tap together?

no reply...
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Old 05-27-2011, 11:35 AM   #552
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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?
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Old 05-27-2011, 11:51 AM   #553
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What do the police and Nike have in common?
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Old 05-27-2011, 12:13 PM   #554
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this joke might offend some of you soo you been warned

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Old 05-27-2011, 01:24 PM   #555
I wish I was where I was when I wished I was here
 
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Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to a sex therapist who promised to only take their case if he knew he could help them. After hours of tests, he agreed he could help. He told them to stop at the store on the way home and buy donuts and grapes. Mrs. Smith was to toss the donuts at Mr.Smith's erection and eat the ones that stayed on. Mr.Smith was to roll the grapes across the floor and eat the ones that became lodged in Mrs. Smith's love canal.

A few weeks later, the Jones came to see the doctor. "Our friends the Smiths told us to come to you." they said. The doctor ran the tests and came back to the Jonses. He told them he was sorry but there was just nothing he could do. The Jonses said "You helped the Smiths, why won't you help us?"

After continued begging from the Jonses, the doc said "ok, ok ... stop by the market on the way home and buy a box of Cheerios and a bag of oranges."
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Old 05-27-2011, 02:05 PM   #556
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Originally Posted by hotjoint View Post
A guy goes up to a genie. Genie says "you get one wish, whatever you want". The guy says "I want to live forever". The genie says "Sorry, I can't do that for you". The guy then says "Ok, well I wanna die when the canucks win the cup". The genie answers "you crafty bastard"
I think this guy's gonna die soon ...
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this is the internet and everyone knows better about what happened sitting behind a desk than the people who are actually involved.
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Old 05-27-2011, 02:07 PM   #557
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^ Actually he should've replaced "Canucks" with "Maple Leafs"
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Old 06-12-2011, 02:02 AM   #558
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Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon."
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,
"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "
"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees a ham bush...."
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Old 06-12-2011, 02:43 AM   #559
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One day, three sisters wanted to find out how they got their names, so the eldest goes up to her father and asks, “Daddy, why did you name me Daisy?”

And so the father says, ”Because on the day you were born, while we were walking out from the hospital, a daisy petal fell on your head."

The second daughter then asks, ”Daddy, why did you name me Rose?”

And so the father replies, ”Because when you were born, while we were walking out from the hospital, a rose petal fell on your head."

The third daughter then says, "Blahhjabaksldkflasj"

And the father yells, ”Shut up, Cinderblock!”
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Old 06-13-2011, 12:40 AM   #560
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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. Though shocked, he reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and he gently hands it back to her.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she carefully replaces the eye. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.
He moves to her table and they enjoy a wonderful dinner together. Afterwards they go to a lounge sharing a few drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her story of the accident culminating in her glass eye.
Soon, conversation turns to her deepest dreams, he shares his... they listen entranced to each other.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and perhaps, stay for breakfast. After the nightcap they have a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies. . . 'You just happened to catch my eye.'
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Old 06-13-2011, 10:41 AM   #561
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Could be a repost, but w/e

A drunk guy was lining up behind a woman at safeway. He saw the woman's groceries and they included a tv dinner, one donut, one watermelon, and a small carton of milk.

He looks at the lady and says 'I bet you are single'.

The lady looks at her groceries, and asks ' You are right, how did you figure that out?'

The drunk guy replies ' Because you are fucking ugly'
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Old 06-23-2011, 10:47 AM   #562
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Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Vern! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. 'Oh no,' says Vern. 'He's in my bowling league.'

When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Vern's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book..

The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

VERN'S FUNERAL WILL BE HELD THIS COMING FRIDAY.
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Old 07-04-2011, 09:12 PM   #563
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A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.
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Old 07-04-2011, 11:34 PM   #564
What hasn't Killed me, has made me more tolerant of RS!
 
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Last edited by hypercube; 07-05-2011 at 01:08 AM.
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Old 07-04-2011, 11:44 PM   #565
My AFC gave me an ABS CEL code of LOL while at WOT!
 
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not sure if repost.

so Jack and Jill are watching a tv program on emotions. the host talks about how it's rare to hear something that makes you both happy and sad.
the man says "Jill, that's a load of crap, i bet you can't do that".
Jill replies "out of all your friends' you have the biggest dick"



Jill: Jack, how did you AIDS test go?
Jack: It went fine i guess.
Jill: Are you sure?
Jack: I'm positive





An old man was laying on his death bed. With only hours to live, he suddenly noticed the scent of chocolate chip cookies coming from the kitchen. With his last bit of energy, the old man pulled himself out from his bed, across the floor to the stairs, and down the stairs to the kitchen.

There, the old man's wife was baking chocolate chip cookies. With his last ounce of energy, the old man reached for a cookie. His wife, however, quickly smacked him across the back of his hand, and exclaimed, "Leave them alone, they're for the funeral!"




The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?" "There is," he replied. "Breakfast."
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Old 07-06-2011, 03:17 PM   #566
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A wife goes out for a night with the girls, telling her husband she'll be home around midnight.
Midnight passes by, drinks are flowing, the girls are laughing and having a great time. At around 2:45 in the morning, drunk as hell, she finally gets a cab and makes her way back home.
She gets to the front door and ever-so-gently nudges it open, not making a sound. She takes her shoes off, again not making a sound. Knowing her husband will give her hell for coming home so late and drunk, she's quite proud of herself for being so stealthy.
Just then, the cuckoo clock in the hallway goes off, cuckooing 3 times. Realizing he might wake up, she decides to cuckoo another 9 times. She smiles to herself, proud that she'd come up with such a clever solution on the spot. He'd never know the difference!
That next morning during breakfast the husband looked at his wife, obviously hungover, and asked, "So... what time did you get in last night?"
"Oh, right around midnight," she replied. The husband didn't seem disturbed at all, her plan had worked!
"Well," he said, "I think we need a new cuckoo clock."
"Why do you say that?" she asked.
"Because last night the one we have cuckooed 3 times, then said 'oh shit,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
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Old 07-07-2011, 07:34 AM   #567
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Don't know if it's been posted before but...

A Black guy and a Mexican guy both in a car, who's driving?











Answer: The cop!
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Old 07-22-2011, 04:08 AM   #568
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A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.
"Thank you, honey", she says.
"What would you like me to bring back for you?"
He laughs and says, "An Italian girl!"
When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good," she replies.
"And what happened to my present?"
"Which present?" she asks.
"The one I asked for- an Italian girl!"
"Oh, that," she says. "Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl."
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Old 08-05-2011, 01:31 AM   #569
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The wife brought home a tub of ice-cream and asked me if I wanted some.
"How hard is it?" I asked.
She cheekily replied, "As hard as you get when you think about me naked."
I said, "Go on then, pour me a glass".

Guess I'm sleeping on the couch for the next week.
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Old 08-05-2011, 02:27 AM   #570
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A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass.
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Old 08-07-2011, 01:39 AM   #571
Where's my RS Christmas Lobster?!
 
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why is camping so extreme?

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Old 08-10-2011, 12:41 AM   #572
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*you need to know a little cantonese to get this joke*

What do you call The Hulk in chinese?

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Old 08-17-2011, 11:18 AM   #573
RS.net, helping ugly ppl have sex since 2001
 
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Saw this at work today. Little bit of subtle humour. =P

Dear Dad, $chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need. $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on

Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad
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Old 08-17-2011, 12:53 PM   #574
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Heard this at work (west jet joke)

A mother and her very young son were flying West Jet Airlines from
Ottawa to Calgary.

The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his
mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs,and big cats have baby
cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"
The mother (who could not think of an answer) told her son to ask
the stewardess.
Therefore, the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess.
The stewardess, who was very busy at the time smiled and said, "Did
your mom tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "Yes,she did."
"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby
airplanes because West Jet always pulls out on time.
Have Your Mom explain that to you."
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Old 08-17-2011, 12:58 PM   #575
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^

the mother is a bimbo if she could not think of an answer to that. Planes aren't living creatures.

Otherwise. its a funny joke.
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