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Vancouver Off-Topic / Current Events The off-topic forum for Vancouver, funnies, non-auto centered discussions, WORK SAFE. While the rules are more relaxed here, there are still rules. Please refer to sticky thread in this forum.

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Old 01-31-2011, 04:09 PM   #501
I STILL don't get it
 
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this isnt really a joke, but i wanted to share a clever analogy.


A girl complains to a guy that society views girls who sleep with alot of guys as sluts and whores and are looked down upon. and that guys who sleep with alot of girls are praised as heros.

so the guy replies her with:

a key that can pick many locks is a master key. a lock that is picked by many keys is a bad lock.

the girl shutup after that.
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Old 02-08-2011, 07:06 AM   #502
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Wisdom:

WHEN I WAS MARRIED 25 YEARS AGO, I TOOK A LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID, "HONEY, 25 YEARS AGO, WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT 25-YEAR-OLD."

"NOW WE HAVE A $1,200,000 HOME, A $45,000 CAR, NICE BIG BED AND PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 50-YEAR-OLD WOMAN. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU ARE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS."

MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN

SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT & FIND A HOT 25-YEAR OLD, AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.

AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT? THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISIS.


Edit: I had to edit the price of the house to be more realistic with GVRD. The original joke had the house pegged at $500, 000.00. Now that is a joke in itself. LOL

Last edited by MG1; 02-08-2011 at 03:36 PM.
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Old 02-08-2011, 08:38 AM   #503
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A Chinese man walks into a bar. The black bartender asks him if he wants anything to drink.

"Gimme a Jigger, Nigger!"

Shaken a bit, the black bartender says "That is extremely racist and I won't serve you anything if you keep it up!"

Upon hearing this, the Chinese man apologizes. The bartender allows him the drink on the condition that he never say anything racist again. The Chinese man agrees. A few moments later, the Chinese man says "Gimme a Jig, Nig!"

Pissed, the black man says "That's it! No more for you. How would you like it if the roles were reversed?"

"I wouldn't mind," says the Chinese man.

"Fine! You get behind the bar and I'll order the drink!" says the bartender and they switch places.

The black man sits and says "Gimme a drink, Chink!"

The Chinaman shakes his head no.

"Why not?" asks the black man.

Spoiler!
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Old 02-08-2011, 09:01 AM   #504
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PuYang View Post
this isnt really a joke, but i wanted to share a clever analogy.


A girl complains to a guy that society views girls who sleep with alot of guys as sluts and whores and are looked down upon. and that guys who sleep with alot of girls are praised as heros.

so the guy replies her with:

a key that can pick many locks is a master key. a lock that is picked by many keys is a bad lock.

the girl shutup after that.
And this clever analogy is also called... REPOST!!
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Old 02-08-2011, 09:04 AM   #505
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PuYang View Post
this isnt really a joke, but i wanted to share a clever analogy.


A girl complains to a guy that society views girls who sleep with alot of guys as sluts and whores and are looked down upon. and that guys who sleep with alot of girls are praised as heros.

so the guy replies her with:

a key that can pick many locks is a master key. a lock that is picked by many keys is a bad lock.

the girl shutup after that.
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Old 02-08-2011, 02:35 PM   #506
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Heard this on a Comedy Network stand-up segment last night:

"Diamonds are forever, but so is a plastic bag."
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Old 02-08-2011, 02:48 PM   #507
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THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 20, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half-wild,
naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30, a woman is like the UK. Well developed and open to
trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, she is like India. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of
her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm
and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, she is like Yugoslavia. Lost the war, haunted by past
mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia. Very wide and borders are
un-patrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia. A glorious and all
conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, they become like Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but
no one wants to go there.


THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 15 and 90, a man is like the USA ...... Ruled by a dick .
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Old 02-08-2011, 02:56 PM   #508
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There are 3 guys in a cafe

the 1st guy says"I must have the smallest arms in the world!"

the 2nd guy says "i must have the smallest head in the world!'

the 3rd guy says"I must have the smallest dick in the world!"

then,they go to check the Guiness world Records

the 1st guy then,says "YES!i was right!i got the smallest arms in the world!

the 2nd guy says"i DO have the smallest head in the world!"

the 3rd guy storms in and says angrily"WHO THE FUCK IS JUSTIN BIEBER?!?!"
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Old 02-08-2011, 03:00 PM   #509
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tee-tea View Post
There are 3 guys in a cafe

the 1st guy says"I must have the smallest arms in the world!"

the 2nd guy says "i must have the smallest head in the world!'

the 3rd guy says"I must have the smallest dick in the world!"

then,they go to check the Guiness world Records

the 1st guy then,says "YES!i was right!i got the smallest arms in the world!

the 2nd guy says"i DO have the smallest head in the world!"

the 3rd guy storms in and says angrily"WHO THE FUCK IS JUSTIN BIEBER?!?!"


that was like a page ago
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Old 02-08-2011, 04:58 PM   #510
I Will not Admit my Addiction to RS
 
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ROFL^^^
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Old 02-08-2011, 08:20 PM   #511
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what does a condom and kodak film have in common?



They both capture that special moment
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Old 02-15-2011, 03:29 PM   #512
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An Arab, Frenchman, American and a Mexican are riding down the highway.

The Arab picks up an AK-47. He shoots a couple of rounds and then throws the gun out the window. The American asks him why he through the gun out the window and the Arab says they have so many of those where he is from he doesn't care about what happens to them.

The Frenchman picks up a bottle of wine and drinks a little and throws it out the window. The American asks him why he tossed it. The Frenchman says they have so much of it where he is from he doesn't care what happens to it.

The American picks up the Mexican and throws him out the window
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Old 02-16-2011, 07:53 AM   #513
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^ heard this one before, but still funny ...
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this is the internet and everyone knows better about what happened sitting behind a desk than the people who are actually involved.
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Old 02-16-2011, 09:31 AM   #514
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Lame joke, but whatever............


A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.

So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.

This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?'

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net.

He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
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Old 02-16-2011, 09:37 AM   #515
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How is Vietnam like A&W?

Two teens for $6.
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Old 02-16-2011, 09:52 AM   #516
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How is Vietnam like A&W?

Two teens for $6.
qft.
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Old 02-16-2011, 10:02 AM   #517
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While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and a sheep and he began a conversation.

Cowboy: 'Hey, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?'

Indian: 'Dog no talk.'

Cowboy: 'Hey dog, how's it going?'

Dog: 'Doin' alright.'

Indian: ( Look of shock )

Cowboy:'Is this Indian your owner?' ( Pointing at the Indian )

Dog: 'Yep.'

Cowboy: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and
takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Indian: ( Look of disbelief )

Cowboy: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Indian: 'Horse no talk.'

Cowboy: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Good.'

Indian: ( Extreme look of shock )

Cowboy: 'Is this your owner?' ( Pointing at the Indian )

Horse: 'Yep.'

Cowboy: 'How does he treat you?'

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me
down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me.'

Indian: ( Complete look of utter amazement )

Cowboy: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Indian: 'Sheep liar.'
sorry but someone explain this sheep lie to me?
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Old 02-16-2011, 10:06 AM   #518
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i think they haev sex with the sheep ?
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Old 02-16-2011, 10:11 AM   #519
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i think they haev sex with the sheep ?
I've had people PM me for explanation.


Throughout history, lonely men have had sex with animals. Beastiality (uggghhhh). Favourite animal to do was the sheep, LOLOLOLOLOL.



Hey, what can I say? I would have thought monkies, but...........

Come to think of it, that could be why sheep are so popular at the Cloverdale auctions.
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Old 02-16-2011, 10:37 AM   #520
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Throughout history? Still happens today (not sheep, but still accepted beastiality) :

http://www.vbs.tv/en-ca/watch/the-vi...e-caribbean--3

rich
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Old 02-16-2011, 11:20 AM   #521
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I've had people PM me for explanation.


Throughout history, lonely men have had sex with animals. Beastiality (uggghhhh). Favourite animal to do was the sheep, LOLOLOLOLOL.



Hey, what can I say? I would have thought monkies, but...........

Come to think of it, that could be why sheep are so popular at the Cloverdale auctions.
yea, ive read some history that people used to have sex with chickens or sheeps..

thats why i was guesing it
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Old 02-16-2011, 11:29 AM   #522
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I've had people PM me for explanation.
People PM'ed you?
They could have just asked on the thread... maybe were scared of getting fails. lol
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Old 02-16-2011, 11:30 AM   #523
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ohhh that explains that excerpt from that sex movie woody allen did, lol brilliant


this one is also great


woody allen is a genius
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Old 02-16-2011, 12:42 PM   #524
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People PM'ed you?
They could have just asked on the thread... maybe were scared of getting fails. lol
Or laughed at..........

I totally understand not getting jokes because of cultural difference, not understanding biblical references, etc.

I see RS as a great place for people to learn new things. I enjoy this place because it keeps me uptodate with what's happening with youth. Internet memes and shit. I scare my kids when I actually know what they are talking about.

I learn a lot of shit about China - Mainlanders, Hongers, etc.

Anyway...........................
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Old 02-16-2011, 12:47 PM   #525
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woody allen is a genius
He's also a bit of a perv - cradle robber. Fucked his own stepdaughter, didn't he? OK, married her................

Jeepers, I'm hijacking my own thread....... back to jokes, then. Carry on.


======================================


At age 4 success is .... . .not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 16 success is . . . have a drivers license.
At age 20 success is . . . having sex.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 60 success is . . . having sex.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

Last edited by MG1; 02-16-2011 at 01:15 PM.
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