Joke Thread

[punkwax]

^

[MG1]

**rrriiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**

**'Hello?'**
**'Hi honey..**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**




**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**



**After a brief pause,**



**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**



**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now.'**


Brief Pause.




**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**




**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**


**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**


**'I did it, Daddy.'**

**'And what happened, honey?' **
**'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**




**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**




**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**



**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**




**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**



**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**



*****Long Pause*****





*****Longer Pause*****





*****Even Longer Pause*****




**Then Daddy says,**


**'Swimming pool? ...........**



**Is this 486-5731?'*





**No, I think you have the wrong number.......*

[punkwax]

How did the Chinese guy walk his dog?

In hot oil.










If you don't get it, say it out loud.

Still don't get it? Wok - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

[guddagudd]

why did the hipster burn his mouth?

because he ate pizza before it was cool

#TOS'd, BCRDUKES

[punkwax]

A guy walks up to a girl at a party and tells her, "You remind me of my pinky toe."

She replies, "Why, because I'm short and cute?"

He says, "No, because I could see myself banging you on the coffee table."
Posted via RS Mobile

[k2_alpha]

So a man at a gas station while pumping gas flicked a cigarette. He flicked it wrong and his arm caught on fire. The police show up while the man was waving his arm to get the fire out. The police officer shot the man with his pistol.













Cause the man had a firearm

[avinayyar]

^ lame

[CorneringArtist]

Need to know a bit of Vietnamese for this one, but check spoiler tag if you don't get it.

‎"So a black guy, a Chinese guy, and a Viet guy were in an elevator and someone farted. The black guy was like, “Whoever farted, ima beat you up.” The Chinese guy goes, “It not me.” Then the Viet guy goes, “Ai địt?"

Spoiler!

Ai địt means "Who farted?" in Viet, but sounds like "I did" in English.

[toyobaru]

This ones a racist joke so those who would be offended please be advised:

A man was lost in a desert alone with nothing. He stumbled upon a magic lamp and rubbed it. Two genies appeared before him and offered him three wishes. The lost man finds himself awake in a beautiful mansion and 50 beautiful blondes that he had his way with. Then two KKK members appear, grab the man and hang him and he dies. The KKK members took their masks off to only reveal it is the genies. One of the genies goes to the other and says "I get the mansion, I get the 50 blondes. But I dont get the part about being hung like a black man."

[MG1]

^ It's a sick racist joke, man, but what the hell, I chuckled a bit inside. And, I'll admit it. Won't thank you though, even if I want to, because then, I'll really be racist then.

[DC5-S]

^

[MWR34]

Knock knock
Who's there?
9/11
9/11 who?
YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER FORGET
Posted via RS Mobile

[Not really racist!]

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli. Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner things the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.

As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"

**


Mrs. Jones goes to the doctor for a full medical.

After an hour or so, the doctor looks at Mrs. Jones and says the following: "Mrs. Jones, overall you are very healthy for a 45 year old. There is however, only one problem. You are 40 pounds overweight and bordering on obese. I would strongly suggest that you diet now to save any complications in later years."

She looks sternly at him and says, "I demand a second opinion".

"OK" he says, "you're fucking ugly as well!"

**


A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"

**

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"

[Gumby]

My dad sent this to me:

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Lee Majors

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Al Gore

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Mike Tyson

The great question.. which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
George Clooney

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Bill Clinton

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
George W. Bush

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Rudy Giuliani

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
Michael Jordan

"I've had bad luck with all my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.” The third gave me more children!
Donald Trump

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Shaquille O’Neal

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Kobe Bryant

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
David Hasselhoff

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Alec Baldwin

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Barack Obama

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Tommy Lee

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Brad Pitt

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Jimmy Kimmel

“Honey, what happened to ‘ladies first’?” Husband replies, “That’s the reason why the world’s a mess today, because a lady went first!”
David Letterman

“First there’s the promise ring, then the engagement ring, then the wedding ring...soon after....comes Suffer...ing!
Jay Leno

[illicitstylz]

what do you call a bear with no teeth?


















































































a gummy bear

[MG1]

What really happened to dinosaurs..............

Spoiler!

[Chronix]

What's the difference between Princess Diana and Tiger Woods?
Tiger Woods has a better driver.

How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs?
None..he fell.

Last night the girl I was fucking called me a pedophile.
That's a pretty big word for a 7 year old.

How do you make an Asian go blind?
Put them behind a windshield.

What's the difference between a dead baby and a cheeseburger?
I don't cum on the cheeseburger before I eat it.


What's the worst part about being a black jew?
Having to sit in the back of the oven.

[murd0c]

Just found this joke and had to post it

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow cop.
He thinks he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London
and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides
to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!

Glasgow Cop " License and registration please "

London Lawyer " What for? "

Glasgow Cop " Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign "

London Lawyer " I slowed down and no one was coming "

Glasgow Cop " Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration
please "

London Lawyer " What's the difference? "

Glasgow Cop " The difference is ye havte cume to a complete stop, that's the law,
license and registration, please! "

London Lawyer " If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and
stop I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the
ticket. If not you let me go and don't give me the ticket."

Glasgow Cop " Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle sir. "

The London lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow cop takes out his baton
and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says

" Dae ye want me to stop or just slow doon? "

[V4NC1TY]

a man goes in a bar
what's a mango doing in a bar

[MG1]

Coworker, much younger, sent this to me.............

To save the economy, on December 18, 2011, Obama will announce that he is ordering the immigration department to start deporting old people (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.

Old people are easier to catch, and will not remember how to get back home!

I started crying when I thought of you!

RUN, YOU OLD BUZZARD, RUN!!

[V4NC1TY]

better safe than Surrey

[murd0c]

I found another good one

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’ He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard a voice....say, ‘Jesus is watching you.’ Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. ‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot. ‘Yep’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he is watching you.’ The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’
‘I'm Moses.’ replied the bird. ‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’
‘The same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus.’

[MG1]

Bill and his wife Blanche go to the state fair every year,
And every year Bill would say,

" Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "
Blanche always replied,

" I know Bill, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,
And fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said,
" Blanche, I'm 85 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "
To this, Blanche replied,

" Bill that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks "

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

" Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars. "

Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,

" By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.
I'm impressed! "

Bill replied,


" Well, to tell you the truth
I almost said something when Blanche fell out,

But you know,

Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

[unit]

jewish kid asks his father for 5 bucks
father replies "4 bucks!? what do you need 3 bucks for?"

[Timewav3zer0]

What do you call a mushroom that buys you drinks?

A fungi to be with. XD
Posted via RS Mobile