:nicethread:

This is a really bad joke for Canucks fan, but I found it funny...................


What's the similarity between the Canucks and the Titanic?

"See, Michaell Jackson had this 'disorder' that turned his skin from black to white.

The thing is, there's a lot of discrepencies on what this disorder is called. Because doctors call it a "disease."

However, black people call it something completely different. Black people call it...

...a 'cure.' "



(original joke)

Here's a Friday joke for you guys

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his deaf bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of ten million dollars. The Godfather gave Guido the job of keeping his books because he assumed that Guido would hear nothing, so if ever questioned he would never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing ten million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money?" The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "Where's the money?" Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about!" The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he don't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says, "Ask him again!" The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!" Guido signs back, OK” You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my Cousin Bruno's house." The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

My neighbor is gorgeous ...

She's single...

She lives right across the street.

I can see her house from my living room.

I watched as she got home from work this evening.

I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.

She knocked on my door...

I rushed to open it.

She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am so horny! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long!

Are you busy tonight?"

I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!"

Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"

SHIT! It's no fun being old!



=========================================

Now if it were me, I'd jump her bones right there and then.

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius.
The Russians used a pencil.

Space Pen - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

A common urban legend states that, faced with the fact that ball-point pens will not write in zero-gravity, NASA spent a large amount of money to develop a pen that would write in the conditions experienced during spaceflight (the result purportedly being the Fisher Space Pen), while the Soviet Union took the simpler (and cheaper) route of just using pencils.
Russian cosmonauts used pencils, and grease pencils on plastic slates until also adopting a space pen in 1969 with a purchase of 100 units for use on all future missions.[1] NASA programs previously used pencils (for example a 1965 order of mechanical pencils[2]) but because of the substantial dangers that broken-off pencil tips and graphite dust pose in zero gravity to electronics and the flammable nature of the wood present in pencils[2] a better solution was needed. NASA never approached Paul Fisher to develop a pen, nor did Fisher receive any government funding for the pen's development. Fisher invented it independently, and then asked NASA to try it. After the introduction of the AG7 Space Pen, both the American and Soviet (later Russian) space agencies adopted it.

^but that isn't funny.................

tofu1413's post was a joke that I had a good chuckle over......... didn't matter if it was legit or not, it was funny.

I know... and I've read that joke before too... but after seeing it yesterday, I decided to read up about the Space Pen, and that was in the wiki, and I thought the truth was interesting.

I actually bought a Space Pen for my mom back in the 90's at PNE, I think...

I think the graphite dust in the equipment part was weird, funny, and scary at the same time.

theres always the "american approach" then theres the "russian approach" to solve problems... :fuckthatshit:

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.

Saint Peter was sitting at the Pearly Gates when two black and two Mexican guys arrived.

St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said, "Wait here. I will be right back."

St. Peter went over to God's chambers and told him who was waiting for entrance. God said to Peter: "How many times do I have to tell you? You can't be racist and judgmental here. This is heaven. ALL are loved. ALL are brothers. Go back and let them in!"

St. Peter went back to the Gates, looked around, and let out a heavy sigh.

He returned to God's chambers and said, "Well, they're gone."

"Who, the black guys or the Mexican guys?" asked God.

“NO, the Pearly Gates."

:)

2 condoms walk into a bar.

First condom says, "This is a gay bar"

Second condom says, "Looks like we're gettin shitfaced tonight"

A man on his deathbed says to his wife, "Honey, we have four beautiful children. Our first three are all so similar. Athletic, blond hair, green eyes... and our last... well he has brown hair and blue eyes and was never really all that coordinated. Now, I love you honey but I've always been suspicious. Is the fourth child mine or were you unfaithful?"

"Of course the fourth child is yours, sweetheart." The wife replied and the man died peacefully with a smile on his face.

As she closes his eyelids and begins go weep she thinks to herself, "Thank god he didn't ask about the first three."

.

A man wanted to get married and was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then he married the one with the biggest boobs.

^ lol wtf...
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For anyone that gives a shit....I'll be at the Comedy Mix on October 9 :P

i love that place!!

^^ The 9th will be a fun night at the Mix. Sure, its pro-am night...but my buddy Paul will be joining me, and he killed it the last time he was in the mix. And also, another one of my friends, "Captain Charley," a flaming gay chinese dude who's doing the Comedy Mix for the first time.

I just found out the host for that night is Matt Billon. He's been on Just for Laughs and CTV Comedy Now.

What do you call a girl dancing by herself at a club??