Heard this a week ago.

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond, but by the end you wish you had a club and a spade

The owner at my work sent this around the whole company lol

Heard this on Satellite Radio.......

Dude covered completely in saran wrap walks into a bar................

the bartender says, "I can clearly see you're nuts."

A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.

“What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room… “Why are you down here at this time of night!?”

The husband looks up from his drink, “It’s the 20th Anniversary of the day we met.”

She can’t believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15,” he said solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

“Yes, I do” she replies.

The husband pauses… The words were not coming easily.

“Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?”

“Yes, I remember” said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued.

“Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?”

“I remember that, too” she replied softly.

He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, “I would have gotten out today.”

Perfect for this time of year

I was at The Bay in Metrotown yesterday and this woman was looking for a "lazy susan".

Cashier had no idea what she wanted. I started to laugh and they wanted to know why.

I told them about the story of the time I called Walmart looking for a lazy susan. Lady on the phone tells me, "She doesn't work here today."

For those who don't know what a lazy susan is, it is a spinning turntable like the ones you see at restaurants.

Bumping this thread.........

Heard a funny one today. The guy who told me this joke said it so much better...........

So this man who's been married for some time now, goes into a lingerie shop to get something sexy for his wife. He discovers that the more see-through the gown is, the more expensive it is. He gets one that sets him back 500 bucks. He gives it to his wife later that night. Wife says to hubby, "Let me try it on......... see you up in the balcony, honey." Man stays downstairs and waits for his wife. Wife meanwhile says to herself, "I'm going to return this gown and keep the 500 bucks for myself." She steps out on the balcony totally naked. Husband sees wife from below and says, "You'd think for 500 bucks they'd at least iron the damn thing." There's more to the joke, but that's all I could remember.

He never heard the shot
Funeral on Friday at noon.
Closed coffin.

wow no Jokes in 8 months..

I went to the doctors recently

He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”
I said: “Like bacon and burgers?”
He said: “No. Fatty don’t eat anything.”

Peter comes very drunk home late at night. He wakes his sleeping wife: “Emily wake up! You know what just happened!?”
-
“No”, she replies sleepily.
-
“I went to the toilet and the light switched on all by itself. And when I went out of there, the light switched off again without me having to do anything. I think I’m getting super powers!”
-
Emily replies groans: “Oh no, Peter! You pig, you just peed into the fridge again!!!”

1st Woman: Hello! My name is Maggie.

2nd Woman: Hello! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st Woman: I froze to death.

2nd Woman: How awful!

1st Woman: It wasn't so bad. After I stopped shaking
from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and
finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd Woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I
suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home
early to catch him in the act. But instead I found
him all by himself in the house watching TV.

1st Woman: So what happened?

2nd Woman: I was so sure there was another woman
somewhere that I started running all over the house
looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and
then down into the cellar. I went through each
wardrobe and checked under all the beds. I kept this
up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became
so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart
attack and died.

1st Woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer.
We'd both still be alive.

Two Italian men get on a bus.

They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

:lawl:

Dave Chappelle's joke about himself getting old: :lawl:

On getting old


I don’t like looking at my dick anymore. My dick looks distinguished. It’s old, an old-looking dick. It’s got salt-and-pepper hair all around it. My dick looks like Morgan Freeman in the ’90s. Without the dots. My dick narrates, “Dave pulled me out and started jerking me around and jerking me around. But not with the same vigor as when he was young. He and I both knew nothing was coming out.”

just wonder if all statutory holidays the word "Day" to "Gay"
we got, canada gay, bc gay, christmas gay, new year gay, st patricks gay
Columbus gay, thankgiving gay more to go.........

^
https://i.gifer.com/PNxb.gif

Every time I come across Integra Girl, which, thank god, is not too often (vansterdamnit), I think of this song............



Now, for those who don't know who Integra Girl is, check the link in the spoiler.......

I had a really bad habit of biting my nails. I'm glad I finally fixed that problem.

Saw this one this morning:

Trump rally supporter: Get used to it -- Trump for 8 years.
Me: Depending on the judge and jury, he might get more than that.

They always ask at the doctor’s office why you are there and you say in front of others what’s wrong and sometimes it’s embarrassing.There’s nothing worse than a Doctor’s Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor’s waiting room.
As he approached the desk the receptionist said, “Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?”

“There’s something wrong with my dick,” he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded doctors room and say things like that.”

“Why not? You asked me what wrong and I told you,” he said.

The receptionist replied, “You’ve obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.”

The man replied, “you shouldn’t ask people things in a room full of others if the answer could embarrass anyone.”

The man walked out waited several minutes and the re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes?”

“There’s something wrong with my ear,” he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. “And what is wrong with your ear , Sir?”

“I can’t piss out of it,” the man replied.



The waiting room erupted in laughter!!!!!

^Bwahahahaha............

If it were me, I'd say, "I've had an erection for more than 72 hours............. but it's all good now, 'cause seeing your ugly face just fixed the issue."

^^waiting room erupts in..

if house was a person, and she went to a party. What would she wear? A dress!

A Lawyer won a big case and got himself a rolls royce and wanted to show his lawyer friends, he rolled up to his firm in his new car, open the door and a truck hit the car and ripped the door right off.

A cop across the street saw it happen and rushed over

Before the officer could say anything the lawyer said "God damn it! my beautiful new car, how am I suppose to show off to my friends?"

The officer replied, "typical lawyer all about material things didn't even notice you're missing an arm"

The lawyer looked down "shit! my Rolex"

This one is too good to not share:

in 2018 NASA probes Mars
in 2020 NASA probes Uranus

credit: Antwone