If anyone is interested in watching some shitty comedy tonight at the Comedy Mix.....tonight is Pro Am night!!


I may have a limited access to tickets as well.

an oldie but a goodie

a blonde walks into the cleaners to drop off a shirt.
as she is walking out the cleaning lady says "come again"
the blonde replies, "its toothpaste this time you nosy bitch"

:)

There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 6 minutes late.

On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round.

Following Saturday rolls around and George says that he will be there, but he may be 6 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golf's left handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 6 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed.

The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was.

They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late.

You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?

George replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy.

Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping On her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.''

''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she is lying on her back?''

George replies, ''Then I am 6 minutes late.''

What do you say to an Indian guy driving a Lamborghini? Bro your car is SO sikh!

Timmy's letter to Santa

what do you call an anorexic girl with a yeast infection...

Quarter pounder with cheese

Drinking & Driving

Last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. As our passion began to heat up she said, "I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT?! What was that?!" She said, "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The next day I took off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big department store. I walked around with her as she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to go with her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit." We went on to the j3welry counter where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. She was so excited. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet. I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No baby, I don't feel like it." Her face went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?" I said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?" Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either...

Lady: Do you drink?
Man: Yes
Lady: How much a day?
Man: 3 six packs
Lady: How much per six pack
Man: about $10.00
Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So 1 six pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 six packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Lady: No
Man: Where's your Ferrari?

From fucked up shit thread:


A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”

Forgive me if it's a re-post as I haven't been actively following this thread but those that haven't read this:

TIRED/BORED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels on his chest.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a
fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the check out clerk and asked where the fitting room was?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

One of the clerks passed out.

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral."

So there was this professional assassin who charged $1000 a bullet

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $1000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, we'll I've got $2000 here. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now."

"Let's go," the assassin says.

So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.

"They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off."

The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.

"Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks.

"Hold on two more minutes. I think I can save you $1000."

...

Joke would be better with a dog cuz a cat in the backyard would be trouble :p
Plus she was a "bitch" hehe

Some jokes I remember from elementary school....... so long ago, so jokes are a little innocent, LOL.


Q: What's the difference between a hormone and a vitamin?

A: You can't make a vitamin.......


Q: What's the difference between a nun and a whore?

A: One hopes for her soul, while the other has soap in her hole.

Her best feature

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious


that she had nothing else on.

The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a
few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,

'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned
against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him,

'What would you say is my best feature?' Flustered and embarrassed, he
finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at my breasts; I
am a 38 C and 100% natural. I work out every

day and my butt is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my
skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that
the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered...
























'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... that was me.'

:)

PROUD CANADIAN

A US FIRST GRADE TEACHER EXPLAINS TO HER CLASS THAT SHE
IS AN AMERICAN. SHE ASKS HER STUDENTS TO RAISE THEIR
HANDS IF THEY ARE AMERICAN TOO.

NOT REALLY KNOWING WHY BUT WANTING TO BE LIKE THEIR
TEACHER, THEIR HANDS EXPLODE INTO THE AIR LIKE FLASHY
FIREWORKS. THERE IS, HOWEVER, ONE EXCEPTION. A GIRL
NAMED KRISTEN HAS NOT GONE ALONG WITH THE CROWD.

THE TEACHER ASKS HER WHY SHE HAS DECIDED TO BE
DIFFERENT.. "BECAUSE I AM NOT AN AMERICAN."

"THEN", ASKS THE TEACHER, "WHAT ARE YOU?".

"I'M A PROUD CANADIAN," BOASTS THE LITTLE GIRL.

THE TEACHER IS A LITTLE PERTURBED NOW, HER FACE SLIGHTLY
RED. SHE ASKS KRISTEN WHY SHE IS A CANADIAN.

"WELL, MY MOM AND DAD ARE CANADIANS, SO I'M A CANADIAN
TOO.

THE TEACHER IS NOW REALLY ANGRY. "THAT'S NO REASON," SHE
SAYS LOUDLY. "WHAT IF YOUR MOM WAS A CRAPPY HOCKEY
PLAYER, AND YOUR DAD WAS A CRAPPY HOCKEY PLAYER? WOULD
THAT MEAN THAT YOU'RE A CRAPPY HOCKEY PLAYER TOO?"

A PAUSE, AND A SMILE. THEN, SAYS KRISTEN, "NOPE! THAT'D
MEAN I'M AN AMERICAN!"

I thought it would end with ...well that'd mean I was a Vancouver Canuck =(