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Go Back   REVscene Automotive Forum > Vancouver LifeStyles (VLS) > Relationship & Gender Discussion

Relationship & Gender Discussion THIS SPACE OPEN FOR ADVERTISEMENT. YOU SHOULD BE ADVERTISING HERE!
The thin line between love and hate
Mature discussion about understanding the opposite sex...

View Poll Results: How Important/Often Sex In Relationship?
Not Really (1 time every 2-3 mo) 8 2.96%
Somewhat/Once in A While (1 time every mo) 37 13.70%
Often (1-2 time every week) 179 66.30%
Always (1 or 2 times every day) 46 17.04%
Voters: 270. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 06-05-2012, 02:41 PM   #126
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Bicycle, dude....bicycle.

I don't know if you need to discuss it before as it may make it a little more awkward for you AND for him.

fucking for the first time is usually awkward anyways. he isn't going to be thinking, "oh, this chick is kissing (or fucking) like she hasn't done it in 2 years". it WILL feel different anyways as the mix is different. different people, different chemistry, different feeling. If you have never done any of this with him before, then it is all new! there is nothing to compare it with!

my recommendations? act like a pro and if you have to, fake confidence. i went through something that i can maybe relate.

was with a guy 9 year....in that 9 years i didnt kiss or have sex with anyone else. when that ended, i had it flash in my head that "omg, i have had NO experience for 9 years! what if i suck!? what if i dont do it right?! how should i act!?" then i thought, fuck it! i am going to do me! if he doesn't like it? his problem.

after 9 years of being intimate with a partner, there are certain things you know you like...know you want...and know what you don't want. the problem is, at 7 years in, do you say, "hey, you know that thing we have been doing every time we have sex? guess what...i don't like it". that conversation is WAAAAAY harder to have after 7 years than it would have been the first time.

be upfront with your needs. be confident...fake it if you have to. be strong. act like you know what you are doing even if you don't. if you want to be fucked upside down? tell him! if you LOOOOOOVE to be fucked hard? Tell him! if you DON'T like 69? tell him! put it all on the table the first time. if you dont, telling him these things year or months down the road will be awkward.

you are beautiful, hilarious, smart, intelligent, caring, and have an amazing heart. he likes you for those reasons...not for what you "could" be or "will" be like in the sack.

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Old 06-05-2012, 05:23 PM   #127
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dinosaur View Post
Bicycle, dude....bicycle.

I don't know if you need to discuss it before as it may make it a little more awkward for you AND for him.

fucking for the first time is usually awkward anyways. he isn't going to be thinking, "oh, this chick is kissing (or fucking) like she hasn't done it in 2 years". it WILL feel different anyways as the mix is different. different people, different chemistry, different feeling. If you have never done any of this with him before, then it is all new! there is nothing to compare it with!

my recommendations? act like a pro and if you have to, fake confidence. i went through something that i can maybe relate.

was with a guy 9 year....in that 9 years i didnt kiss or have sex with anyone else. when that ended, i had it flash in my head that "omg, i have had NO experience for 9 years! what if i suck!? what if i dont do it right?! how should i act!?" then i thought, fuck it! i am going to do me! if he doesn't like it? his problem.

after 9 years of being intimate with a partner, there are certain things you know you like...know you want...and know what you don't want. the problem is, at 7 years in, do you say, "hey, you know that thing we have been doing every time we have sex? guess what...i don't like it". that conversation is WAAAAAY harder to have after 7 years than it would have been the first time.

be upfront with your needs. be confident...fake it if you have to. be strong. act like you know what you are doing even if you don't. if you want to be fucked upside down? tell him! if you LOOOOOOVE to be fucked hard? Tell him! if you DON'T like 69? tell him! put it all on the table the first time. if you dont, telling him these things year or months down the road will be awkward.

you are beautiful, hilarious, smart, intelligent, caring, and have an amazing heart. he likes you for those reasons...not for what you "could" be or "will" be like in the sack.
Thats what you think LOL jkjk, ahh from now i come to you whenever i need help Dino
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Old 06-05-2012, 09:42 PM   #128
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Old 06-05-2012, 10:22 PM   #129
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Yea Ive asked her, and she says she doesnt need it, just straight up no needs. After talking to her many times and this and that she just doesnt enjoy sex and she sees no point in it. If I had to guess she would probably go the rest of her life without sex if she could.

We've been going out for a little more then 3 years and we havent had sex in 10 months. When we first got together it took almost 6 months, then we had it like once a month (which im already dying here) and she just told me she didnt like it, doesnt enjoy, sees no point in it.

I on the other hand need the physical closeness/intimacy. But when she told me she doesnt like it, I didnt want to do it with her either because Im the sort of guy who doesnt like to make people do something they dont want/enjoy doing. Thus leading it on till now for 10 months of doing all the boyfriend duties but none of the boyfriend benefits.

I want to break up, Ive been unhappy and dissatisfied with the relationship for quite some time but I cant think of a way to breakup with her without destroying her self esteem (as its already low). Yet I'm getting really sick of having bf responsibilities and not getting anything out of it. I know being in a relationship is about give and take but I feel like Im just giving and not taking anything. My friends tell me Im too nice and I should just do it, but Im sure she'll have a tough time without me in her life *sigh*
not to sound mean..but you care WAY to much for a disgrateful "chick" that she's being lol a relationship takes 2 ppl to work, im sure youve heard it before. You're putting in 99% and shes putting in 1%, sorry doesnt work like that haha. Like i said before, truth hurts, but hey at least if you tell her WHY you're breaking up then it may benefit her in the future with relationships. And how you went 3 years with this chick is beyond me
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Old 06-05-2012, 10:47 PM   #130
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Old 06-06-2012, 10:25 AM   #131
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She's not ungrateful, she does a lot for me too. And we click on every single level, personality, movies, things to do. She is willing to take the effort to have sex sometimes, but it's just I don't want to do it if she doesn't want to. I don't see a point in doing something she doesn't enjoy. So maybe it's more my part Where I should just ignore her feelings and just do it haha
I have a lot to say about this but I'm sure it's been said to you before and mentioned on here.

I personally don't believe in rushing into things physically however I think it is very important to set the tone for everything VERY early on.

I've always been direct in saying that I am a physical person and I need someone that can be passionate, physical, intimate, and affectionate. I have a lot of energy and I don't just work out and stay in shape for my health!

If this is a problem for them, then it is better for both of us to know and make a choice if this is something we can deal with. I don't want to rape my girlfriend. I want us to both to enjoy the experience. I want her to be excited about spending time together phsycially. I wouldn't even want to be with someone that has sex with me every day because she cares but she actually hates it.

It's impressive, but a relationship is about compatibility and being happy together. If you have drastically different needs physcially, there is a compatibility issue.

You mentioned your girlfriend has low self esteem. If this is true, it will make it nearly impossible for her to want to be physical. Most women will shut down sexually if they feel unattractive or have low self esteem/image. I had a relationship that was great and then the sex decreased. Why? It turns out my girlfriend was not feeling sexy anymore. It was partially my fault.

In the beginning, I would compliment her, tell her she looked nice, flirt, always be touching her etc. She felt wanted and she knew she felt attractive. We'd go out to places where she had to dress up and she had to get ready and all that. She felt good about herself and happy. She felt sexy, she looked sexy, she was confident, and I would just grab her at the end of the night.

I loved it! She loved it! So what happened? Relationships often start off this way and then fade because of lack of effort. You have to keep things going. In your case, it never got started in the first place by the sounds of it. Relationships like this don't work for most people. You may be surprised but there are women in your situation that end up cheating. It's not because of lack of love, or a lack of anything. It's the curiosity of something. Not saying all woman would cheat or they are curious but I've seen it happen a few times. Was a huge surprise for me.

Back to your situation at hand though.

It's up to you what you want to do but there are clearly some misalignment of expectations. You don't have the same interests and it is not something that you are willing to compromise (sex is an interest you don't share)

If you connect on so many other levels that's great. Be her friend or get some of your own friends. I really hate saying this but the moment you take away the physical side of a relationship you're in dangerous waters.
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Old 06-06-2012, 02:15 PM   #132
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Yea Ive asked her, and she says she doesnt need it, just straight up no needs. After talking to her many times and this and that she just doesnt enjoy sex and she sees no point in it. If I had to guess she would probably go the rest of her life without sex if she could.

We've been going out for a little more then 3 years and we havent had sex in 10 months. When we first got together it took almost 6 months, then we had it like once a month (which im already dying here) and she just told me she didnt like it, doesnt enjoy, sees no point in it.

I on the other hand need the physical closeness/intimacy. But when she told me she doesnt like it, I didnt want to do it with her either because Im the sort of guy who doesnt like to make people do something they dont want/enjoy doing. Thus leading it on till now for 10 months of doing all the boyfriend duties but none of the boyfriend benefits.

I want to break up, Ive been unhappy and dissatisfied with the relationship for quite some time but I cant think of a way to breakup with her without destroying her self esteem (as its already low). Yet I'm getting really sick of having bf responsibilities and not getting anything out of it. I know being in a relationship is about give and take but I feel like Im just giving and not taking anything. My friends tell me Im too nice and I should just do it, but Im sure she'll have a tough time without me in her life *sigh*
i agree with jameswift's view that her self esteem plays a really big part.
however, i think that your girlfriend shouldn't be relying on just you for that sort of validation. that sort of thing always has to come from her first, whereas external factors are merely just an affirmation of her beliefs. if she doesn't see it herself first, there's NOTHING anybody (including you) can say to permanently lift her spirits.

i don't believe you should feel ashamed for breaking up with her because of the sex thing. people NEED physical affection, it's how we connect and strengthen relationships. as much as you are respecting her needs, you can't deny that you have needs of your own.

self esteem issues with women are really tricky. but keep in mind, it's called SELF esteem because it's how we view ourselves. if we love ourselves, we'll subconsciously have the desire to constantly love others. i feel like her low self esteem is something that she should be working on as an individual single lady. it will be hard for her to find her true sense of self and assert that into the world when she has you as an emotional cushion.
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Old 06-06-2012, 09:34 PM   #133
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Old 06-06-2012, 10:32 PM   #134
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I think jameswift and Ri2 nailed it
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Old 06-22-2012, 02:00 PM   #135
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Yea Ive asked her, and she says she doesnt need it, just straight up no needs. After talking to her many times and this and that she just doesnt enjoy sex and she sees no point in it. If I had to guess she would probably go the rest of her life without sex if she could.

We've been going out for a little more then 3 years and we havent had sex in 10 months. When we first got together it took almost 6 months, then we had it like once a month (which im already dying here) and she just told me she didnt like it, doesnt enjoy, sees no point in it.

I on the other hand need the physical closeness/intimacy. But when she told me she doesnt like it, I didnt want to do it with her either because Im the sort of guy who doesnt like to make people do something they dont want/enjoy doing. Thus leading it on till now for 10 months of doing all the boyfriend duties but none of the boyfriend benefits.

I want to break up, Ive been unhappy and dissatisfied with the relationship for quite some time but I cant think of a way to breakup with her without destroying her self esteem (as its already low). Yet I'm getting really sick of having bf responsibilities and not getting anything out of it. I know being in a relationship is about give and take but I feel like Im just giving and not taking anything. My friends tell me Im too nice and I should just do it, but Im sure she'll have a tough time without me in her life *sigh*

I'm in a similar situation as you. We've been dating for 2 years and 6 months. When I asked my gf out, we would have sex at least 4 times a week. Around 7 months later, we started to cut down on the times we had sex. Eventually we just stopped all together. Whenever I initiated sex, she would indirectly reject it or she would straight-up stay no or she doesn't want to. At first I thought she just didn't feel like it but as the weeks went by everytime I tried she would say the same thing. That's when I knew something wasn't right. I've talked to her several times and she just give me some generic excuse about her not feeling in the mood. After awhile I just stopped trying. Sometimes she acts sexually playful and there's a little bit of foreplay but never leads to anything. I feel so detached intimately from her. I don't know what's going on. I also feel as though if we broke up, she would have trouble because I do actually do a lot for her.

I've gotten a bit chubbier (belly) so maybe shes not physically attracted to me?
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Old 06-22-2012, 02:16 PM   #136
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that's a RED FLAG

unless she switched jobs and the new one is more stressful then maybe, but I doubt it because not even once in how long?

she's most likely seeing someone else
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Old 06-22-2012, 03:10 PM   #137
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10 months no sex LOL.
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Old 06-22-2012, 03:15 PM   #138
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good night sweet prince
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