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Quote:

Originally Posted by SkinnyPupp (Post 9193830)

The only one more obvious than you about hiding their gay feelings for Luigi is the court sketch artist

I think you are confusing Badhobz with 68style

Quote:

Originally Posted by rymack (Post 9193842)

Didnt help that she thought my wife ... were out to get her

Wow, thanks for sharing.

This part stood out for me. I am curious whether your mom has something against your wife, or if your wife did something to trigger your mom? I can only imagine how awful this feels.

No my wife didn’t do anything . From the first day they met my mom was telling her how she was being attacked by radio waves or whatnot . So I assume she became the focus as I made my wife my priority over

Wow, sorry to hear. :( All the best to you and your family!

Quote:

Originally Posted by rymack (Post 9193842)

IN regards to parents w dementia:

My mom went into long term care a bout 2 years ago now. She had some mental illness issues that were slowly getting worse and led to some sort of dementia that include but are not limited too being able to walk ( and now being not able to feed herself). There were some signs about 10 years ago of her slide into dementia but as it was intertwined with her ( undiagnosed , untreated ) mental illness.

At that time I sought out the advice of a psychologist ( might have been registered clinical counselor) . Basically it came down to the fact that I couldn't force her to get treatment as ostensibly she could still care and feed herself and her dog and basically was able to function.

The mental illness was quite alienating for my family ( wife/kids and I ) and it made me keep her at arms length. She didn't have a partner ( dad and her divorced when i was young etc) and I am a only child. She has a few siblings but the mental illness that alienated me alienated them. So we decided to see her on holidays and a few other times a year etc. Didnt help that she thought my wife and Bill gates were out to get her( why is it always Bill gates?)

So fast forward to 3 or so years ago she had a issue that she ended up at Surrey memorial for a unrelated health reason and I asked the doctor discreetly to have a psych eval and hold done on her . He agreed and off tot he psych ward she went. She was diagnosed with a couple different things (no surprise to us ) .

I ended up talking to the doctors and it came down to them wanting to send her home because she was able to walk and talk and cook etc. Dementia was starting but not ..rampant? I talked to the Occupational Therapist ( i think thats what they are) and we talked about how she still was able to keep her house tidy , could buy and cook her own food , do her own laundry etc. The doctors thought with in home support she could remain in her home.

So at this time it was recommended to me by a family friend that i refuse to take her home ( they want the family to agree to the plan for some reason..perhaps because of the mental health designation?). The family friend told me to refuse to take her home as a safety concern and to request she be sent to assisted living . At any rate i was given the decision to bring her home and set up supports or not.

I decided that if i was in her shoes i'd want my freedom as long as possible. So i said ok to the home plan , set up some in home supports etc. She went down hill over the next 8 months until one day I went over to pick her up tot take her to cataract surgery and found her on the floor ( after i broke in through her ground floor window) on the floor unable to get up , very weak and disoriented. She had covid. It was just luck i was there that day and if it was a different day she likley would have died.

So back to surrey memorial , back to the psych ward . This time i refused to take her home ( Fraser health offered round the clock care or similar which they don't have the staff for) , she was put into the system for Long term care and has remained there since.

Sorry thats a long read. Couple of key takeaways
- Dont wait. especially with traditional dementia/Alzheimer's. It can be slowed with treatment and there are new protocols all the time.
- Long term care homes are much more ...bleak ? worse anyway then Assisted living. If my mom had gone to assisted living when she first went into care she could have stayed there longer than going directly to long term care. Assisted living is way better than long term care. Long term care is hospital beds , assisted living is like little apartments where you eat in a common area etc. Like a dorm.
- If your dads care is too much for your mom. Bring him to the hospital and refuse to bring him home. You may not be there yet but this is the way to force the System to deal with them. I know how hard that is as Ive had to do it but you have to balance your dads wellbeing with everyone else's.
- While your dad is the one with the disease everyone in the family will suffer. I know culturally a lot of people don't want to dump there parents in care but sometimes it is the best for everyone involved.
- if its a non starter to bring your dad into care ( at this point anyway) consider getting a live in Nanny. My wifes family actually used to run a nanny agency ( family friend still runs it ). This might be a good transition for your family.
- Take care of your own mental health. I can speak from my experience of all the guilt and remorse for not trying to forcer my mom into mental health treatment. Always wondering what if . Always feeling i had to choose my wife/kids over my mom. It can really be hard. Talk to a mental health pro or at least a bro.
- Don't expect the rest of your family to act like adults. My moms younger brother hasnt seen her in 6 years cause he was wigged out by the mental health stuff. And now wont go to visit her in Long term Care. It sucks but if they wont help you paddle the canoe then gtfo of the way.

If it comes to the point of "dumping your demented family" into long term care (LTC). I encourage you to consider changing code status to stay in long term care for treatment and do not seek the hospital for help to prolong their life.

Here's the situation I see, your parent is in LTC, no one visits them because they've already been alienated from other family and friends and you yourself is too busy with your own family to visit. Is there REAL quality of life for them if their own family isn't even paying them regular visits?

LTC has common areas for meals and activities, if the one you are at does not have this, then go talk to the Director of Care or Social Worker at the current LTC and get on a list to get to a different LTC.

As for "refuse to take them back" as a tactic to work the system. Your loved one better not have an address and not have their name as a homeowner. A medically stable person can be discharged from the hospital by walking them just outside the door of the hospital with a taxi voucher. Up to that person what they do next, but if you want back into the hospital system, try Emergency again. Waitlists to get into LTC is way too long, just ask how long it took people to get into SUCCESS/Villa Cathay, some wait years and die before they make it in because they had to wait so long. There are certain criteria to get into a LTC, so if your loved ones don't meet that criteria, then other options will be explored....maybe even a shelter if their homeless.

To shed a little light on the whole waitlist for LTC.

My grandmother had multiple strokes over the period of about 10 years. She recovered from her first major stroke, but had a few lesser severity ones after.

Her health went downhill after my parents downsized from their SFH in Vancouver to a townhouse in Richmond. The reason being that my grandma did not have the cognitive capacity to adapt anymore. She was likely already on the path towards dementia.

The inability to do anything (my parents both worked, I moved out already and lived in Burnaby) meant her mental health continued to deteriorate and was in a depression spiral. This cumulated to her attempted suicide by taking a whole bottle of sleeping pills.

She took 4 months to recover at the hospital, after a consultation with a social worker she was deemed a danger to herself and was not released. She stayed at the hospital for 8 months before she got a spot at one of the LTC in Richmond.

For what it's worth, her application was fast tracked and she skipped the waitlist because of the situation. It would have been otherwise approx 3 year wait at that time.

She recovered well in LTC and because we each took turns seeing her and taking her out for dimsum etc she was doing quite well until Covid. With Covid being a huge risk for a home, all visitation was denied. Her condition deteriorated very quickly until she had another stroke. We were able to visit at the hospital but by that time her sphere of influence was very small. You had to get really close to her in order for her to respond.

She was released back to the home where visitation was not allowed. They did let us see her through the window but she could not respond to us as we would be too far away. It was also during covid we found that she has cancer. She passed away shortly after.

see how excellent it is to NOT have any dependents? if my ass becomes retarded (who says it isnt already?), i ain't troubling anyone else with my problems... perfect! no pain for the next generation.

You literally asked us to call two fire trucks (non-DEI) to pick you up and put you into a burning beetle. :suspicious:

I have seen many of my friends dealing with their family members getting older, one thing I notice is NO ONE talks to them about it.

It isn't easy but make a plan and talk about it honestly.

Rich

Quote:

Originally Posted by bcrdukes (Post 9193974)

You literally asked us to call two fire trucks (non-DEI) to pick you up and put you into a burning beetle. :suspicious:

:heckno: Only if youre not also a half dead geezer:heckno:

Just drive the beetle into my corpse and set it on fire... Close enough

Probably don’t even have to set it on fire, the act of driving it into you will trigger it to self immolate

The aging parent or grandparent thing is not for the faint of heart.

Anecdotal stories of dementia where husband doesn't remember wife, falls in love with another resident, do the bump and grind in one of their room. Really crazy stuff and heartbreaking to the spouse who is well.

Yah, severe personality changes with dementia. Major behavioural changes. Some due to the terrible treatment of senior home, strapping arms to prevent 'violent' swings, frustration with no one bathing or changing diaper. The list goes on.

Try not to grow old ... oh, too late.

LTC is brutal and not somewhere you would causally send your parent/loved one. In my case when she was stabilized and ready to be moved out of the hospital FRaser Health tried to push to have her sent home to her 600 sq ft apartment. By this time she was already in need of a wheel chair but could use a walker with some help( the Physical
Therapists actually worked w her daily at the LTC facility to try and help her regain some strength). She had also had a mini stroke with the Covid ( we think).

So in her case it was deemed she couldnt be alone but the idea that she could be sent home and Fraser Health would come 2-3 times a day or have someone stay there 24/7 seemed like just delaying the inevitable. It also was dangerous because she was impulsive in that she would try to get up and use a walker instead of waiting for help and has fallen many times in LTC. I was also advised by the psych ward doctors to refuse to bring her home or go along with that. I should also mention she was deemed unable to thrive ( I cant recall the exact designation)

So in my case I dont think we had a reasonable choice other than to force Fraser Health to take her into care full time. I had hoped she could go to assisted living at living at that point but it was deemed she was beyond that level of care.

In terms of LTC homes they are pretty bleak. A bath once a week is all you get. Hospital beds. The food is ..well my mom was/is a vegetarian and some of the meals leave a lot to be desired . Its a locked unit ( I think most LTCs are ) meaning you need to punch in and out at the door to get in. Hospital beds. They do have some activities , social time , music , bingo etc . Sometimes there are food trucks . Outings etc.

The staff for the most part are amazing. They really deserve to be paid more and have more support. I bring in muffins/cookes/coffee gcs a couple times a year as a small token of appreciation and I m ow others do as well. But they do need more support.

As for Supafamousi reread your original post and realized your dad is nowhere near this level. So my apologies for spewing all this here . Not trying to paint to bleak a picture or anything.

The only message I will say is push hard now and advocate for your dad as well as for your mom ( and your self ) as hard as you can now. It can be slowed down and supports put in place. Pretending its not happening like your brother ( I think) is only going to make it worse .

So yah, it's a reflection of our health care that waitlist for senior care home is > 9 months. Hospitals will try everything to discharge someone who is just old and cannot live independent ... cannot blame them as hospital is for acute care and really not long term care of seniors. So they will discharge you and send 3 shifts of care aid to your home > keeping you at whatever thousand dollars a day for a bed in a hospital. Recently, news said that we need double the senior care homes, think of boomer population bulge growing older and older.

Our overall healthcare is really stretched and in a sad state. Don't get sick and don't get old.

^Watching your parent go through the health system and deal with dementia is really eye opening.

It's made me reaffirm never wanting to go out that way, such a slow protracted process of decline.

Sounds morbid, but I always hope I'll be able to end things my own way if/when I get to that point.

They are working on it. Recently, famous author Robert Munsch got advanced assessment for MAID. He was diagnosed with dementia and wanted to get approved before. However, it is not 'legal' yet to get advanced directive for MAID. Because right now, you can change your mind up to the last moment. So if a dementia person signed advanced directive and says he wants to change his mind on the day of, then what? Presently, it is grounded on a person's clear cognitive ability to be able to give consent to MAID at every point of the process.

An acquaintance of mine, Geriatric doc, she thinks it's only a matter of time for them to hammer out the policies and wording.

Quote:

Originally Posted by whitev70r (Post 9194006)

Anecdotal stories of dementia where husband doesn't remember wife, falls in love with another resident, do the bump and grind in one of their room. Really crazy stuff and heartbreaking to the spouse who is well.

holy shit man!

Quote:

Originally Posted by whitev70r (Post 9194069)

I didn't know that. I grew up on Robert Munsch stories and this is really sad news.

whitev70r - Do you work in healthcare?

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Originally Posted by unit (Post 9194076)

holy shit man!

Oh man, if you ever find out what goes on in retirement homes... you'd be sick.

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Originally Posted by bcrdukes (Post 9194084)

whitev70r - Do you work in healthcare?

? ...getting a bit personal, some things should be saved for meet. :lol

Plot twist: he was grandpa bump and grind.

Its all in his username, allow me to illustrate:

white = obvious
v = viagra
70 = age
r = rated, the sagging skin covered all the porny bits, saved the video from NC-17

Quote:

Originally Posted by roastpuff (Post 9194106)

Oh man, if you ever find out what goes on in retirement homes... you'd be sick.

my wife is a care aid so i do hear about some stuff but not like this lol

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Originally Posted by whitev70r (Post 9194108)

? ...getting a bit personal, some things should be saved for meet. :lol

Such a tease. :speechless:

Quote:

Originally Posted by whitev70r (Post 9194069)

With the way... everything... is going, it's going to become a lot more common to take that route.